i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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