We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
did i just pee glitter
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
