I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
