I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
