billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
