What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
