thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
