I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
