Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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