I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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