Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
