he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
COCAINE IS GR8
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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