The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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