Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
