I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
That accounts for only three of the penises
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
