I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
