We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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