She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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