Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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