Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
