Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We had to coat check the pizza.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Oh god it's open bar.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
