i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
my liver is dry heaving
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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