put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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