you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
