Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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