I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
