I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
