no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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