You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
