I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
