I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
