Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
