How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
