WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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