Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
