I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
