I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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