you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
