So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
