Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
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