Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
