the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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