I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
