Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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