Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
