yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
