I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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