a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
