I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
