It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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