My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
