Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
