Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
