I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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