Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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