I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
