remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
