Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
